Today is Easier (Under My Feet)

I get motion sickness.  A crazy boat ride.  Any car ride when I'm not the driver.  Swinging. Even a gliding chair.  Ooo...  my head feels light, my tummy whoozy.   That's what it felt like when I was around a drinking person today.  

I could smell the alcohol on the person.  Slight slur in the speech.  A hint of instabilty in the swaying walk.  Oh my God!!!  I remember that.  I let myself get to that point at least once a week.  And being around it today made me feel sick.  The thought of picking up a drink even to smell it was repulsive.

Today was easy.  I found zero attraction in that state of being.  I realized my tendancy to relieve stress or run from problems by using alcohol is steadily being replaced with a desire to be present in my situations and learn to handle them and respond appropriately.  I don't always know how to do that, but I then just admit, often to others around me, that I don't know how to handle something at the moment.  But then I pray about it and seek advice or read scripture or books and I figure it out.  With God's guidance and grace I am handling the things I used to run from.

Today it is under my feet.

Does It Ever Get Easier?

It's been over 9 months since I stopped drinking.  There have been some days that are harder to resist temptation than others, but I can't say that overall it's any easier.  I have had to maintain a strong commitment to this change in my life.  So many days I wrestle with my habitual thoughts of having a drink. 

It's summer now.  Time for beer and icy drinks and relaxing and partying.  Not me.  My husband has mentioned that I'm not as fun as I used to be.  I immediately remember the expense of that fun, which is foreign to him.  Drinking became a nearly constant inner battle.  Just one drink.  Ok, just one more.  Not today.  I can go a whole day.  Well, I went a whole day.  Now it's okay.  What do the kids think of me?  Will my husband notice how much I drank today?  If they only knew, they'd be so ashamed of me....  

Maybe I'm not as fun, but I'm more joyful, happier, prouder and more content knowing that God is filling my needs instead of me filling them with alcohol.  I'm more consistent, more stable, more true to my real self.   It may not be any easier, but I am resolute.