I'm Not Alone

I know I'm not alone.  I may only know of one other woman who is a leader in her church who has also abused alcohol,   but I am guessing we are spattered in thousands of churches throughout the country.

I have been leading worship in local churches for over 20 years.  I started when I was a teen.  I have led worship teams of musicians with over 1000 people in the congregation.  I have come home from leading worship with the onset of a major headache on many occasions, turning to Advil and beer to ease the pain.  I've even gotten McDonald's for the family on the way home and once home spiked my soda with my husband's whiskey, drinking it down before I'd eat my food.  And, I have led worship at evening events after having a couple of drinks.  I have never, ever admitted this to anyone but God. 

Where are the other woman with similar stories?  I haven't found a book or a blog or an article or anything.  Where are the other women who have lived this?  I know there must be many.

I'm not alone. I know it.  But I have lived this for 15 years without sharing and am only doing so know under an alias.  It is shameful.  It is a secret.  How many of us are there out there?  Christian women, leading people in the church with inner battles with alcohol that are never spoken of.

The Daily Trap (As It Was)

This is how my days used to go...

Wake up with a headache.  Take care of kids.  Work at home business or work at part-time job or do countless chores while entertaining and taking care of children.  Usually by noon, and many times earlier, I'd start to think about when I'd have my first drink.  A beer with Tylenol would ease my headache.  Some vodka would take the edge off my stress.  If I was at work, I'd be looking forward to having a drink when I got home. Questions I'd play through my mind:

When will I have to drive?
How much have I eaten? 
How long until my stomach is empty?
Will the kids be around?
Do I need to put some alcohol in a place that I can get it and the kids won't see?
What alcohol do we have?
And on and on....

These are questions that alcoholics play in their heads every day.  I don't know if I actually was an alcoholic, but I sure had many of the behaviors.  I rarely got drunk or to a point where anyone would even notice I was drinking.  Though one time I was drinking before I went out with friends, then only had one glass of wine while out.  One asked, "Are you sure you've only had one glass of wine?"

If I didn't stop and nix alcohol completely, I believe I was on the road to much worse things. 

9 weeks, 5 days sober.

Depression While Sober

I'm depressed.  You know what I used to do when I was depressed?  Drink.  I'd start drinking at lunch time, unsure of how I'd make it through the day without it.

I'm not sure it ever really helped anything, but I thought things were better.  It was a mask at best.  Something to consume my thoughts so that my problems wouldn't.  When I would drink, that's what I thought about.  What am I going to drink now?  How much is left?  How fast should I drink it to get a buzz?  How much is left in the cabinet?  How much will I drink openly and how much of it will I hide?  Should I eat?  If I eat I'll have less of a buzz.  I won't eat until I get at least 2 or 3 drinks in me.

That sure did occupy my thoughts.  I can see how it got my mind off of things.  It was like an obsession.

So I'm depressed this weekend and sober.  I've been sleeping and reading more.  And I've been praying.  I'm okay.  I'll be okay.  I will face my difficulties without a drink.  (9 weeks and 3 days sober.)

Coffee Time

Today I am having coffee.  Well, I do almost every day.  But today I am using a ceramic coffee mug that I painted at one of those pottery places that is fun for the family.  Grab something off the shelf, paint it, they glaze it and you pick it up the next day.

I don't usually use this mug because I am overwhelmed with a messy house and for kids and it is recommended that you not put this mug in the dishwasher.  That means I'll have to hand wash it.

Maybe I've shied away from it in the past because it represents an unforgettable time in my life.  The pottery place was a special activity with my stepmom.  She got a day pass to leave the inpatient facility she was staying at to be with me and my kids.  As you've guessed, she was in treatment for full-blown alcoholism.

This mug is a beautiful reminder of my commitment to and love for my stepmom, as well as a reminder of where my life could be headed if I don't abstain from alcohol.

Her story has enough similarities to mine (and any other woman with kids and a struggling marriage) that I think often about what my future will look like depending on the daily decisions I make and how I choose to cope with anxiety, pain and hurt.

So, today, I am enjoying the coffee in this sentimental mug and feeling empowered to stay sober.  Oh, and my stepmom is mostly sober these days.  She goes to daily AA meetings and occasionally relapses and gets right back on track.  I am proud of her.

How Did I Get Here?

It's tempting to say it all started when my sister died.  It didn't really.  Alcohol came into my life 15 years earlier.  But lets just say it started when my sister died.

I was 29, my sister was 33.  She had a pre-leukemic disease for 4 years (mylodysplastic syndrome) which had turned into acute myloid leukemia, a very aggressive leukemia that beat her in 7 months.  It would have been sooner if she wasn't such a fighter.  She was my best friend and I was furious... furious with God.  I felt like I could no longer acknowledge him.

My husband and I used to have "parties" once in a while.  We'd put the kids to bed and break out the chips and the vodka.  Five to ten shots later we were having a blast, playing Nintendo or watching stupid TV shows and laughing.

After my sister died, instead of having a "party" once or twice a month, I was convincing my husband to have them with me 2-3 times per week.  I wanted to get lost, away from my pain.

A year later, I found out I was pregnant and had been having "parties" 3 weeks into my pregnancy.  I felt guilt for a long time.  I may still carry guilt.  He was a healthy baby and I returned to drinking a few months after he was born.  Then there was more guilty behavior.  I drank after he went to sleep, yet he would often wake up 5-6 hours later wanting to nurse, and I nursed him, with several shots of alcohol in me, I nursed him.  This probably happened a couple of times a week. 

When he was done nursing, and over then next year, my drinking turned into a 5-7 day per week habit.  My marriage struggled as we juggled 3 little boys.  I felt criticized and used.  I had daily headaches and dizziness.  I became accustomed to masking this all with alcohol.

How did I get here?  Why did I let myself get here?

He Doesn't Get It

Earlier tonight my husband asked me to bring a beer in from the garage for him. (I was going out there to get something.)  I said okay and did it.  I immediately knew I did not want to be a part of his drinking any more, in anyway.  So, when I came in, and handed him his beer, I told him that I'd like it if he'd not ask me to get beer for him again.  He huffed and puffed in that way where he is thinking that I am self-reighteous.  I told him that even if he doesn't understand, I still need to ask it of him.  He huffed again and walked away.

I need to be consistante and strong and resolved.  I will not get sucked into a life of near-daily drinking again.

Here We Go Again...

I quit again.  I haven't had a drink for 8 weeks and 3 and a half days.  My husband still drinks almost every day.  There is alcohol in the house.  Usually, in these circumstances, I might last a week, if I'm lucky.  I can only attribute my success to God.

I quit in September too, after calling out to God for strength. But it only lasted about 8 days as I started to rely on my own failed resolve.  That was a good attempt though.  Usually when I quit, I'll make it for 3 or 4 days, then I think one drink won't hurt.  Well, maybe that first drink after "quitting" isn't really damaging, but the fact that it always leads to drinking 5-6 days a week is damaging.  It's amazing how I've always been able to convince myself that that one drink won't take me back down the same road, but it always does.

This time I'm daily leaning on God, never turning my back or returning to shame and trying to drown it out. (So much more to wrote about in the days/months to come.)

I'm secretly (okay, not secretly now), hoping that this blog will be healing and help keep me on track.  I feel like I have so much to share, but no one in my life really gets it, or understands my struggle.  But, I've also believe that there are tons of other women out there just like me.  Having the same struggle to avoid becoming an alcoholic.

Maybe I am an alcoholic.  I'm not entirely sure.  What I do know is that alcohol has some power over me if I dance with it in any way.

Here, I will explore my relationship with alcohol and hope that I continue to heal. I also hope to meet and find other women who can relate.

I am a 38-year-old suburban mom with 4 children, a part-time job in a struggling marriage in danger of becoming an addict.