Dumping Vodka

One year ago today, I dumped a half of a bottle of vodka into a rock garden in my back yard. It was around 5pm. I already had two drinks in me with no plans of stopping. This was the last day that I drank any alcohol.

Moments before I dumped that bottle, I had a heated fight with my husband.  I have no clue what it was about.  Heated arguments were a regular occurrence for us and I knew that alcohol was a contributor.  I was in a desperate place.  I wanted my marriage to be right; to be healthy.  I wanted to eliminate any negative contributing factor.  I had to take my life back.  No longer. I would be a slave to alcohol no longer. 

I had quit drinking on many occasions, always returning back to a state of subservience to alcohol.  This time had to be different.  I cried out to God.  He needed to be my strength, my resolve, my purpose, my freedom.  For the first time, I knew I had to commit not to stopping drinking for awhile, or for a year, or for 10 years.  I had to commit to leaving alcohol behind for a lifetime. 

I had lost my ability to drink responsibly years ago.  I have driven while under the influence.  I have driven with my kids in the car when my alcohol level would have far exceeded the legal limit.  I have lead worship music for church gatherings after multiple drinks.  I drank in secret, while alone, at any time of day.  My kids were probably used to the smell of alcohol on me, even if they didn't know what it was.  I have used alcohol to escape, cope, and to bury my soul. 

I still don't think anyone knows or understands the seriousness of the state my problem was in.  I don't know why people like to look away.  But there was no more looking away for me.  I dumped that bottle of vodka in the rock garden and I stared directly at the demon that I let creep into my life. I drew upon the strength of God and declared my freedom.  No longer a slave to alcohol!!!  No longer a victim in a stressed marriage.  Now submitted more fully to life God intended for me. 

Today I can breathe, smile, objectify, reason, cope, stand tall, stand free.  Dumping out that bottle of vodka just may prove to be the most powerful turning point in my life.

Today is Easier (Under My Feet)

I get motion sickness.  A crazy boat ride.  Any car ride when I'm not the driver.  Swinging. Even a gliding chair.  Ooo...  my head feels light, my tummy whoozy.   That's what it felt like when I was around a drinking person today.  

I could smell the alcohol on the person.  Slight slur in the speech.  A hint of instabilty in the swaying walk.  Oh my God!!!  I remember that.  I let myself get to that point at least once a week.  And being around it today made me feel sick.  The thought of picking up a drink even to smell it was repulsive.

Today was easy.  I found zero attraction in that state of being.  I realized my tendancy to relieve stress or run from problems by using alcohol is steadily being replaced with a desire to be present in my situations and learn to handle them and respond appropriately.  I don't always know how to do that, but I then just admit, often to others around me, that I don't know how to handle something at the moment.  But then I pray about it and seek advice or read scripture or books and I figure it out.  With God's guidance and grace I am handling the things I used to run from.

Today it is under my feet.

Does It Ever Get Easier?

It's been over 9 months since I stopped drinking.  There have been some days that are harder to resist temptation than others, but I can't say that overall it's any easier.  I have had to maintain a strong commitment to this change in my life.  So many days I wrestle with my habitual thoughts of having a drink. 

It's summer now.  Time for beer and icy drinks and relaxing and partying.  Not me.  My husband has mentioned that I'm not as fun as I used to be.  I immediately remember the expense of that fun, which is foreign to him.  Drinking became a nearly constant inner battle.  Just one drink.  Ok, just one more.  Not today.  I can go a whole day.  Well, I went a whole day.  Now it's okay.  What do the kids think of me?  Will my husband notice how much I drank today?  If they only knew, they'd be so ashamed of me....  

Maybe I'm not as fun, but I'm more joyful, happier, prouder and more content knowing that God is filling my needs instead of me filling them with alcohol.  I'm more consistent, more stable, more true to my real self.   It may not be any easier, but I am resolute.

Triggers

There are situations that reoccur that are times I used to always drink.  I am watching a TV show on the internet in the middle of the day and my husband is not here.  Just me and my little girl.  Sitting here at the computer, watching a guilty pleasure, ABC show, it feels weird to not be gulping down a drink.  It's what I've done many times before.  I actually really want to have a drink right now.  I want to feel the warmth in my tummy and a little buzz.  But I know what would inevitably follow.  Another drink.  and maybe another after that.  One felt great... two feels better... have another...  It's what always happened.  I don't want that. I will not do it. 

14 weeks, 4 days sober.

Dreams About Drinking

So, I keep having dreams about drinking.  That has never happened before in my life.  It never happened the other times I quit drinking.

Sometimes I dream that my husband has a beer on the counter and I pick it up and have a sip, like i used too.  Then I feel horrified that I forgot that I don't drink and am afraid the whole abstinance thing will come crashing down on me.  Other times I dream that I'm out on a date with my hubby and I decide to have a glass of wine, because one glass won't hurt.  Then the fear of getting back into daily drinking floods me in my sleep.  Other dreams I don't remember very well, but I wake up with guilt that I could abstain, that I failed, and have feelings that something bad will happen.

I don't know why I am having these dreams, but since I never have before, I am going to attribute them to the fact that things are changing in me.  Things like the decision that I will not revisit drinking at all.  That this time it is really different.  I am changing inside.  I am not sure how, but I am gaining strength and resolve that I never had before.  I think my brain is trying to work this out in my sleep.

I've heard that alcoholics have experienced this when they become sober.  Hmmm........

Acknowledging Grief Over Drinking

I remember a day, 4 or 5 years ago.  I was depressed and struggling with issues of my own, and with the church leadership.  Sometime in the afternoon I saw an "America's Next Top Model" marathon on cable.  I zoned out of life and into the TV.  I drank Cosmopolitan martinis all day while I was lost in the TV.  I escaped my life.

I remember that as a very good day.  I miss days like that.  Drinking and losing myself and not caring about life.  Why do I miss those days?  I was wimping out.  I was running. I was weak. I was scared.  Not really a concoction I'd normally call good.

These days, I am no longer escaping through alcohol and I am grieving the times that I did.  And that's okay.  I'm going to let myself grieve and feel sad that I am no longer doing that.  But I am not going back.  You see, even though that day seems good in my memory, it was a day of cowardice that if explored again would likely send me spiraling down, down, down into a place where I don't have control over the vice of alcohol, but it would have control over me.

January Blues

I get the January Blues every year.  The holidays seem to disguise the on-setting depressing winter that comes with freezing temperatures and short days.  At least my daughter was born in January, 2 years ago.  That gives January a new light.  Still, after all the fun, kids home, off work, new things, eating, presents...  BAM!  I've gain 5 pounds, it's ugly outside, bills need to be paid, reality slaps me in the face and I freeze.  All my coping skills that have gotten me through holiday mayhem, can't handle the day to day.    These are the kinds of days where, in the past, you may have found me with a drink in my hand before noon.  I may have been able to fool myself on other days, but drinking before noon screams that something is not right.

I've been thinking about it lately.  It's tempting.  I remember the warm fuzzy feeling after the first drink.  So tempting.  Thankfully, I still have a strong resolve.  I will not drink.  I cannot drink.  One drink will set me back.  I've quit drinking many times and one drink always leads down the same road.  I will not travel that road. I will not.

I wish there was no alcohol in the house, but my husband won't give it up.  He can have one drink and stop.  After watching a TV drama with him that talked about heredity tendencies to be an addict, I realized he doesn't really understand much about it.  I don't think he's willing to learn.  I have to be strong, with God's amazing strength, and do this for my future, no matter what.

I will make it through this depressing January learning other ways to handle the doldrums.  I will do this.